A post about being confident in yourself whileee still not being totally confident.
Hello there!
It is so nice to be writing once more and to have a whole new layout! This one feels right! If you don't know me from my previous blog, living life through growing eyes (May she rest in peace) I'm Allie! it's so nice to meet you! I am a student at casa de Englands Aka I'm home-schooled ;) I love reading and painting! I have also found a new love in writing! Hints this blog! I will probably do a full introduction post later on!
But as for this post... it's about to get very heavy and very real. I'm just going to let you know now that this isn't going to be your regular blog. I'm not here for the subscribers. I'm not here to brag about the fact that I have so and so amount of followers. I'm not here to talk about the worlds standard of beauty. I'm here to speak truth, The truth of the one true God, I'm here to speak the truth that you are worth everything and a beautiful human being inside and out no matter what other people tell you! because that is what I believe.
So what is self image?
The definition of self image is:
one's conception of oneself or of one's role.
So what does that mean? When we look at ourselves what do we see? That all depends on our self image.
I know that when I look in the mirror some days I see someone who has been pushed over to many times, I see someone who sacrifices so much for other people she doesn't even know how to take care of herself, I see someone who is easily offended, someone who wants to please every single person she meets, someone who is so scared of people rejecting her to the point where she has to battle herself everyday to even say hi to a stranger.
But other days I see a strong woman who has been hurt a few to many times so shes guarded and that's okay, I see someone who is so selfless she would sacrifice her life for another if that meant they got to live, I see someone who cares about other people’s opinions and feelings and wants them to know that she is listening when other people may not be, I see someone who values people and what they have to say.
So which of these am I? What is my self image?
The truth is its both. But what we do with each aspect is what truly defines us.
If I chose to look at myself the way the first girl in the mirror does I truly wouldn't be here today. There was a year when I was the first girl I didn't challenge my brain I didn't look at my thoughts and say "Is that really who I am? Because those seem like lies." And do you know where that got me? Into a deep dark hole of depression. It got me to the point of where I was thinking I would be better off dead then having to deal with these thoughts. It got me to a place where the only way I could cope with my emotional pain was to experience it physically through self harm. And the worst part of that all? Is that I was convinced that god didn't care about me anymore. And that right there was the biggest lie I had ever told myself.
That year was quite literally hell. There were small things that got me through it and the help and support of my family made the biggest difference. I am truly truly thankful for that. some people may not have the opportunity to have a supportive family like I do. But I do want to let you know that god is always there for you. No matter what. Even when you feel like there is no hope and absolutely no point to being alive like I once did he is still there.
That's just a small example of what can happen if you let that negative self image rule your life. But what if I told you you could change that? What if you looked in the mirror and saw the second girl? Because you can with the help of God. And let me tell you its hard and it takes a lot of time and effort but oh my gosh it is worth it. After I had a few close calls with my mental health I decided that this wasn't the way I wanted to live I didn't care if it cost me all my friends at the time, I didn't care if it cost me my status in my pier groups, I did not care of what the worldly things would think of me. So slowly very very slowly I started changing my perspective. I will tell you straight up it's hard and painstaking but so is living in sadness.
I started telling my brain that it was okay to struggle sometimes, that being perfect is not the goal. I started telling myself that I was loved, I was safe, and most importantly I had a heavenly father who would love me through all of my pain. A father who knows every thought inside my head and still chooses to love me. Someone who will always be there for me even in my lowest of lows. And you know what happened? I started smiling more. I started crying a little less. I started to enjoy the life that God had given me. And I cannot thank him enough for that blessing.
After I started feeling better and talking to my self more positively I started making friends good, loving, amazing friends! People who built me up and didn't tear me down people who cared about me and not about my flaws. And these were the things that I had been praying so long for! And even though I only got to live in the same state as them for a little over a year I am still incredibly grateful for them! When we moved states I was so excited to get a fresh start and to finally be rid of all of troubles that I had experienced within that couple of years! It was truly amazing. I will talk more about this part of the story in late posts because it deserves is own heartfelt rant... (Probably something along the lines of having patience and sifting out fake friends)
But anyways I wanted to share with you about why I titled this post the way I did. This morning I was having a really hard time and just because I'm happy now doesn't mean I'm completely cured of being a human and being sad sometimes. Now for the sake of confidentiality I'm not mentioning any ages. But when I do school I have a very hard time with math like very hard lets say I should be at a level 15 out of 20 and I am at a level 5... It frustrates me to no end because being intelligent in all that I do is something important to me. (Also know as perfectionism guilty as charged...) Well this morning I was struggling a lot with math, and the fact that I couldn't grasp very basic concepts. I kept telling myself "you're not good at this" "why cant you be better" "You're so dumb" Not positive self image right? and you know what happened? When I talked to myself that way; things I already knew flew right out of my brain and I had an EVEN harder time!
After my mom got onto me for negative self talk (because for some reason she can read my mind) I went and took a nap yes you heard me right. 😂 My mom had told me she didn't want to see me again until I could say some good things about myself. Which is much harder then it seems at times. So I was trying to come up with ways I could do just that andddd I couldn't. But then I though to myself what would my crush say to me? (I know I know how did we get here??? bear with me for a sec.) I felt like he would say to me "Babygirl your flaws make you who you are, and you know what that is? beautiful and unique." The funniest part in all this scenario is 1. My crush is a pop star (Hi Dani) and 2. I have no clue if that's what he would've said to me! So I basically just did amazing positive self talk! While thinking of my crush score! I have figured out if I can trick my brain into thinking someone else is saying the nice things to me I tend to believe what I'm telling myself I know it sounds so weird but it really does work for me.
So moral of the story ladies and gents! Your self image is always going to be split into two parts the positive and the negative. Which person you decide to be is going to effect your life In either a good or bad way. So please please choose positive it takes some work to get there but we were made to work so whats a little more? I love you all so much and whatever you are going through is not invalid! please talk to someone it can even be me if you want it to. You. Are. Worth. It!
Goodbye for now my little apples!